To whom it may concern:
Let me keep it real with you.
Sex is absolutely amazing. I love sex! Especially good sex. Can’t get enough of it. But during my very brief exploration of ‘hooking up’ and sex with ‘no strings attached’, I realized that I really liked sex but would enjoy it even more if I was with my Forever Man. And I’m not talking about a man that I could just hook up with for forever. Nah. I’m talking about the man that I’d be married to. To have and to hold. Through sickness and in health. TILL DEATH DO US PART. That Forever Man.
(Random, distant person in the back: “Well, Jewel, how’d you come to this conclusion?”)
See, what had happened was… I started catching feelings for this guy I was hooking up with. We had agreed, beforehand, that it was a ‘no strings attached’ type thing. He had been in a relationship for a while and just wanted to not be in a relationship, for a change. I mean, I should’ve ran the other way when he told me his views on marriage but he’s fine AF so my judgement was clouded. Don’t judge me. Fast forward to our 2nd time just hanging out, chilling, no sex or anything, and we just watched movies all day. It was a great time. I enjoyed his company and that’s when the emotions started seeping into this situation that wasn’t supposed to be a situation. Fast forward to the end of December, after our last hook-up. I felt great and finally admitted to myself that sex is awesome & I love it so much but slowly slipped into a bit of frustration when I realized I was having sex with someone that didn’t want the same type of relationship as me. I was giving a special and sacred part of myself to a guy that didn’t see a long-term relationship or future with me. I, ultimately, felt like sh*t. My amazing post-sex high was suddenly gone and I was pissed. Not at him, of course, but at myself for not being honest with myself. I knew the kind of person I was, from jump, but I had an itch and really wanted to scratch it. I didn’t resist temptation then BOOM. Got myself into an emotional pit. A shallow pit but a pit, nonetheless.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. Sitting in church listening to the speaker talk about realizing and identifying my calling and doing things that push me to follow the calling on my life. For a long time, I knew what my calling was and how I should go about following it but I, kinda, pushed it to the side. I indirectly pursued it, on my terms, and realized that it wasn’t working out. That was when I decided to cut out the things that weren’t helping me grow in all aspects of my life. The distractions that I once entertained became annoying, which made it much easier for me to weed them out. That was when I officially shut the door on the hook up, in my mind, and decided that I wouldn’t engage in casual sex anymore. No more hook ups, ‘no strings attached’, and, yes, no more sex before marriage. This is a big one for me but I know it’s not impossible. I have my career/passion and my family to focus on, you know?
Besides me pursuing my calling, here are some questions that I answered for myself when pondering celibacy:
- Why in the hell am I sharing this special part of me with someone that doesn’t think I’m special enough to pursue, be in a relationship with, and build a life with?
- Why am I laying up with someone that doesn’t even want to go to lunch with me?
- Why am I sleeping with someone that I don’t have to myself?
- (See .gif, below)
These were serious questions, too. I was being very serious. It was almost as if I was standing in front of a mirror, looking myself in the eyes, asking myself these questions. When I answered all the questions, I felt like my soul was saying, “Girl, you gotta do better. You know you can do better.” And I can, so I am.
I’m just gonna keep it real with you, from now. I will be posting about the tempting times, the OH-so-fine celebs that I may gush over from time-to-time, and more. Say what you must, just know you’ll see those things in the future on my blog.
So, here goes. Celibacy.
Sticking it out till marriage … *pours plenty of drinks sans chaser*